Tinder and Bumble are full of interesting profiles, but few are as memorable (or terrifying) as The Enlightened—the guy who promises Tantra massages and spiritual healing after a single swipe.

Here’s what you need to know about this kind of online guy and their typical approach:

• Tries to get you straight into bed with Tantra massages (which he may or may not have learned during his travels in distant Asia).

• He skips the wine altogether, since his seductive aura is supposed to be intoxicating enough.

• He knows every breathing technique to moan each other into a ‘spiritual orgasm’ and of course wants to teach you these.

• He promotes his spiritual Yoni massage as the ideal first date, including the practice of breathing onto each other.

One is unsure how much garlic you’d have to eat to keep him at a distance.

Shared traits:

Photos: Sitting in lotus pose // Standing in front of a temple // Surrounded by candles, shirtless.

Status: Only casual sex but: Once you meet him, you can’t get rid of him

Emojis:

Promises “healing” through physical contact

Believes the universe matched you for a reason

Conversation:

Tinderella:
So… is the lotus pose in your pics comfy?

ShivaVibes:
Forget the lotus, that’s my legs. My hands are trained to open more than chakras, if you know what I mean.

Tinderella:
…

ShivaVibes:
Hhhhaaaaaaahhhhh

ShivaVibes:
Hhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

ShivaVibes:
Hhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh

ShivaVibes:
Tinderella?
I sense your aura needs… cleansing. Hhhhaaaaaaahhhhh

Tinderella’s Verdict

The Enlightened can be funny to chat with for a while.
If you’re not in the mood for a spontaneaus date with chakra cleansing through a Yoni massage, better swipe left.

The American:

What are the two most famous words that start with “S” and count as a workout? Sex and Sports. With guys from the stars-and-stripes nation, you can skip the gym — they somehow manage to incorporate crunches into sex

Him: “We like to keep it efficient.”

The French:

With all the twisting and turning of their tongues, your head might start spinning.
Though it’s hard to say if that’s from their acrobatics — or just too much champagne.

Him: “I’ll speak French between your legs.”

The German: 

Ah, se German. There’s always one puzzle to solve: is he flirting with you — or just deeply in love with his beer?

Structured, punctual, and every move planned in bed. Just don’t expect pillow talk. Unless it’s about football or excel sheets. 

Him:  “I have scheduled this to last exactly…47 minutes.”

The Austrian:

Is he great between the sheets?

You can find out here.

This is how it goes: after a long day at the office, you open your dating app, swipe a few times, and suddenly — there he is. Grinning. Sitting on a plastic pony.

First reaction? Swipe left. Out of curiosity, however, to see how the boss markets himself, your thumb brushes up instead of left, and you see the entire profile:

• His Bio? “Riding a pink unicorn on a playground. If that doesn’t scare you off, maybe we could rock something big together.”

• The next photo? The boss licking an ice cream cone.

• Followed by one in the gym locker room — towel slung low on the hips.

The Deal in Three Words

His answer to the prompt: “Describe what it’s like to date you in three words”?

“Sweat. Play. Thrill.”

Shared Traits:
None.
Because ideally, you’d have seen as little of that profile as humanly possible.

The Conversation (Or Lack Thereof):
Since it’s physically impossible to like your boss, there is, of course, no match.
No match = no chat.

But the upcoming salary negotiation might go a little like this:

You (to yourself):
“Shhh. Half-naked boss in the bathroom mirror. Get out of my head.”

Tinderella’s Verdict:

Swipe. Left. Now.